Roommates, classmates, and friends are often the first to
notice when a fellow student is struggling, or is in distress. A friend may
approach you with a problem or express feelings of despair, anxiety,
frustration, sadness or loneliness. In other situations you may be the one to
approach a friend because you are concerned about their behavior, mood or
situation. If you've initiated the conversation it's possible that your friend
may initially resist your efforts or even become angry with you for confronting
them. However, in most instances your friend will end up thanking you in the
end for your help and concern.
In either instance it is important to remember that you are
being a good friend by showing a willingness to listen and to help, but
ultimately talking about their problems or seeking help must be your friend's
decision. You are not responsible for solving your friend's problems, or the
outcome of their situation.
If you find yourself
in the position of wanting to help a friend, but are unsure of what you can do
and how to go about it, here are some guidelines:
- Find a time to talk in private, when you both have plenty of
time and are not preoccupied. Give them your undivided attention, and let them
talk.
- If you are initiating the conversation, be direct and let
them know in specific, non-judgmental terms that you are concerned about them,
and want to help.
- Listen to what they are saying, and the thoughts and
feelings they are trying to express. Let your friend know you hear what they
are saying by repeating the essence of what they have said. For example you
might say something like, "It sounds like you miss your family and are
really feeling alone."
- Try and put yourself in their shoes, and see the situation
from their point of view. Even if you don't agree or support some of their
behavior, let them know you are on their side, and understand where they are
coming from.
- Don't try and make decisions for your friend, tell them what
they "should do," or try to solve their problems for them. What you may do in
the same situation may not be the best thing for your friend to do.
- Let your friend know that they are not alone, that help is
available to them. Tell them about the free, confidential, services available
to them through the Counseling
Center. Review the
information on this site, and give them a sense of what they might expect if
they seek out counseling.
- If they are receptive to learning more about what the Counseling Center has to offer them, offer to let
them use your phone, or offer to walk with them to the Center to make an
appointment.
- If you are worried about a student's well-being and need
help assessing the situation, or are not sure what to do, call the Counseling Center. We'll discuss the situation with
you and give you some ideas on how to help.
- Follow up. Check with your friend later to find out how he
or she is doing. Provide support or encouragement as appropriate.
- If they are talking about suicide or seem as if they are in
danger of harming themselves or another, let someone know. Call 911, or campus
security at 755-3888.
Taking Care of Yourself
It can be emotionally draining to take on a helping role
with a friend. Recognize that your well-being is just as important as your
friends and take steps to care for yourself. It is important to know your
limits, and be realistic about the amount of time and, or emotional energy you
are willing or able to commit. Signs that you may be in over your head include
feeling overwhelmed, anxious or confused; thinking you are the only one who can
help; or noticing your friend's problems are adversely affecting your life. Remember,
that you are not responsible for another's situation, and you don't have the
power to make someone change, get help, or even talk about their problems. What you can do is be supportive, listen, and
offer to help if they desire it.
