What your child may experience:
For your son or daughter, college will likely be a period of
intellectual stimulation and growth, career exploration and development,
increased autonomy, self-exploration and discovery, and social involvement.
During this period, your children may forge new identities or seek to clarify
their values and beliefs. This may require an examination of self, friends, and
family. It may also be a time for exploration and experimentation, and a period
in which your children may question or challenge the values you hold dear. The
changes your son or daughter may experience can occur quickly, as they begin to
develop new peer relationships, gain competence in new areas, and learn to
manage their independence. It is important to recognize that every child will
experience his or her own unique set of challenges and adjustments, just as
every parent will have different expectations for and reactions to their
child's college experience.
What parents may experience:
Often overlooked is the fact that the college experience is
a significant transition for parents as well as their children. As parents, you
may experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and pride when your child
leaves for college. At the same time, you may feel a sense of sadness and pain
and have many understandable fears and concerns about your child's future and
well-being. You may worry about your child's safety and ability to care
effectively for him or herself. You may fear losing your child as he or she
begins to function more independently and form deep attachments with peers. You
may be concerned about how your child will deal with alcohol, drugs, and sexual
relationships. You may also wonder how your child's performance in college will
reflect on you as the parent. You can expect to feel a variety of emotions.
How you can support your child:
- Although your child wants and needs to become more
autonomous during this period, it is important for your son or daughter to know
you are still there for them and available to talk about issues which arise.
Maintaining a supportive relationship with your child can be critical to their
success in college, particularly during their first year. If you and your child
were not particularly close prior to their leaving home, it is still important
for you to convey your support. You may be surprised to find that some space
and distance from your child can help improve your relationship.
- It is important to maintain regular contact with your
child, but also to allow space for your child to approach you and set the
agenda for some of your conversations. Let your child know that you respect and
support his or her right to make independent decisions and that you will serve
as an advocate and an advisor when asked. Finally, recognize that it is normal
for your child to seek your help one day and reject it the next. Such behavior
can be confusing and exhausting for parents, so make sure to take care of
yourself by talking about your feelings with your own support system.
- Be realistic and specific with your child about financial
issues including what you will and will not pay for, as well as your
expectations for how your son or daughter will spend money. It is also
important to be realistic about your child's academic performance, recognizing
that not every straight-A student in high school will be a straight-A student
in college. Help your children to set their academic goals; encourage them to
do their best and to seek assistance if needed.
- The fact that your child has left home does not
necessarily prevent family problems from arising or continuing. Refrain from
burdening your children with problems from home they have no control over and
can do nothing about. Sharing these problems with your children may cause them
to worry excessively and even feel guilty that they are away from home and
unable to help.
- Find out contact information for people involved in the
various aspects of your child's college experience. These individuals may
include academic advisors and deans, financial aid officers, and residence hall
staff. If you have questions, or if a particular problem arises, call the
appropriate person, but make sure to involve your child in a collaborative
effort to address the problem.
How you can support yourself:
- Recognize that it is normal to have mixed feelings when
your child leaves home. Feelings of pain and loss often accompany separation
from loved ones. It is also normal to feel a sense of relief when your son or
daughter leaves for college and to look forward to some time alone, with your
significant other, or with your younger children.
- Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise during
this period of adjustment; develop and maintain your own support systems.
- Do your best to maintain your own sense of well-being.
This may involve eating and sleeping well, exercising, and setting new and
creative goals for yourself. If your son or daughter has moved away to college,
perhaps it is a good time to do some of the things you put off while your child was
growing up. Taking on a new project or hobby can be an excellent way to channel
your energy and feelings.
