Never in my life had I snuck out of my house. I never even imagined I would. I couldn’t imagine the shock on my mom’s face if she were to stumble into my room overnight. She’d see whatever pillows Allison had bundled up in a shit attempt to look like me, presumably fast asleep and dreaming sweet dreams about passing algebra tests. I left all this behind, the pounding of my own heartbeat numbing all other senses. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My ribs ached, and I clutched my side in to try and put out the flames that made me feel as though I were suffocating. It was much harder to keep up with my older sister, Allison, and her two guy friends, Rico and Liam, than I had anticipated. Briefly, I turned to see the panting mess of my best friend, Olivia. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Alhough Olivia was expected to make the JV team for girls’ soccer, despite her only being in eighth grade, she had been fast asleep on Lara’s floor. She was by no means ready for an escape mission, and she made that known. “This is so stupid, Lara! And you know it!” she huffed between breaths. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I smiled to myself so as not to encourage her. It was <\/em>stupid, but being fourteen meant being a teenager, and being a teenager meant partying, everyone knew that. No one knew that better than Alli. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Alli stopped, and just like the roadrunner in those cartoons, a dust cloud puffed out behind her in the dry Texas night. Despite the cooler night temperatures, it was often still not pleasant to be out in anything other than shorts and a t-shirt. Alli was, of course, respectful of this rule—though this could be argued to be in poor taste. She wore a lacy, blush pink lingerie set with a red and green flannel over it in a blatantly obvious lack of an attempt to cover up. She didn’t need to wear pants, as one of the boys’ flannels was knee-length on Alli. She wore white Nike Air Force Ones and, though running, she seemed to have a map of the dirt and mud memorized. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Olivia, if you want to be a baby, then go back home. I think there’s some Capri Sun in the fridge.” She laughed and looked ahead to the two boys, who had slowed to a light jog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I took this time to take a knee and struggled to catch my breath. Running was not my forte. Not that I was out of shape, per se, but I was more acclimated to activities like volleyball, where running happens only in bursts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Liv, this party is gonna be bitchin’ and you know it. Remember my gramma’s retirement party? A few sips of champagne and you were rapping to Cardi B.” I waited to make sure Liv was laughing before continuing. “There’ll be way more rapping and way less adult supervision.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam—or Rico, I couldn’t really tell—laughed, and I blushed. They were both dreamy, so it really didn’t matter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liv rolled her eyes up to the starry night sky and shook her head. Heaving a sigh before looking at me, Liv asked, “Sure this is a good idea? It’s like, 1:00 a.m.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n I ignored her and started to continue our run. Aching, but fueled by the embarrassment Liv was giving me, I pumped my legs as evenly as I could. How could she make me seem like I’m her kid best friend? In front of the seniors? <\/em>High school meant growing up. It meant running off into the night with handsome eighteen-year-olds to drink beer at one in the morning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, it seemed that our final destination was approaching. At least that’s what the pulsing rap beats told us. Rico slowed and turned to me with the smile of a glistening knight in shining armor. “Welcome to the fiesta, little sister.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wished he wouldn’t call me that, like I was the baby version of my hotter, older sister. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I knew I couldn’t complain. I was lucky Alli invited me at all. With her impending departure to Baylor University, I knew Alli wanted to make sure our reputation was upheld in high school. This party mattered. This would be the entrance to freshman year. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I smiled at him breathlessly and waited till he turned away to catch up with Alli before cursing under my breath. The toilet paper lining my bra began to clump due to our little adventure, and I adjusted it so that I could appear to have more than ant hills under my sweatshirt. “All good?” I stuck my chest out as far as I could and raised my eyebrows at Liv for confirmation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liv rolled her eyes and passed a judging glance over my breasts. “Sure, Lar.” She stopped walking and kicked a rock down the dirt road. “You know I love you, girl. But I have soccer training in the morning.” Her normally rosy complexion paled before she continued, “And my mom would lose her mind if I missed it.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n I pushed my heavily padded bra up one more time before starting to walk with the determination of a young moth drawn to a flame for the first time. “Thirty minutes, ‘kay?” I tossed this casually over my shoulder, knowing the ambivalence would tempt her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was right, and soon—after only one objection—we approached the door where Alli, Liam, and Rico already stood. Liam glanced at my DIY plastic surgery with a smirk of what I hoped was appreciation, and I felt a warm tingle spread through my body. I shivered despite the southern heat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Alli knocked on the door impatiently, grumbling something under her breath about “unpaid babysitting labor,” but her attitude issue was the last thing on my mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, another senior with a patchy beard and a horrendously stained yellow beanie opened the door, a classic red Solo cup in hand. “Alli…” he moaned, clearly drunk, and leaned against the doorframe. “Welcome guys!” He flashed a smile at all of us, only faltering slightly when he saw Liv and I. “Drinks aren’t getting any colder.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Rico beelined for the kitchen, and upon walking in I could see why. I had never seen so much alcohol in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The fact that the kitchen table was able to support itself had to have been some sort of fraternity miracle. There wasn’t enough space for a plate, but that clearly didn’t matter. Glass bottles of vodka were lined up like soldiers while beer cans were arranged in a more haphazard fashion. Plastic Fireball shooters littered the ground, as well as crushed Solo cups. The music was deafening and I was sure I could feel my teeth dancing to the beat, too. The lights were dim and the room was filled with a slight haze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A couple on the couch were entranced with each other’s lips while another grinded on each other drunkenly to the music. I imagined Rico and I kissing and grinding. I couldn’t help it, he was so dreamy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liv’s hand on my arm brought me down from my daydream, and I swallowed my irritation before turning to her with a smile. “See? I told you it would be fun.” “I don’t know, she’s probably in some guy’s bed by now.” Who cared where Alli had gone to? Watching Rico pour himself and Liam a drink was all I needed. His hair sparkled under the flashing disco lights. So did his eyes. And his smile, of course. “Chill out, let’s drink.” I kept my eyes on Rico as I led Liv to the kitchen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn’t know the first thing about alcohol. I had never had it before, unless a few sips of champagne at parties and on New Year’s counted. Refusing to look like a clueless child in front of Rico, I grabbed the bottle closest to me and pretended to read it as if I was just bored. I even threw in a yawn for good measure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Need some help over here, ladies?” Liam winked as he strode over to us, an almost cocky smirk glued onto his chiseled face. Behind him, Rico was laughing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n What. The. Fuck. <\/em>I had never wanted to punch someone across their perfect face so badly. “No,” I replied curtly, “we know what we’re doing.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Yeah? Whatcha got there, kid?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Shit. <\/em>“Uhm—” <\/p>\n\n\n\n He rolled his eyes and grabbed the bottle from my hand. “Vodka.” He grabbed two cups and began to pour a generous amount for Liv and me. “Drink.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam poured us bleach. That had to be it. There was no way, no chance, that I was supposed to drink this. Not something that smelled like a hospital, not something that made my nose catch fire, not something that made my eyes water. I told myself it was the loud music causing the shaky ripples of vodka in my cup. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Nope.” Liv’s face was a pale shade of green, and she turned to me with her nose wrinkled. “Sorry, Lara. I’m not drinking this.” She set it down and grabbed my arm again. “You shouldn’t, either. Let’s go back to your place.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n I yanked my arm back and glared at her. “Jesus, Olivia. If I knew you were gonna be like this I never would have asked you to come with me.” Heat rose in my face and spread to my chest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Be like what? I just wanna go home. Please?” Liv’s voice quivered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Are you seriously gonna cry?” I demanded, not caring to lower my volume. “Stop being a baby! Grow the fuck up Olivia, seriously.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Tears welled up in Liv’s eyes. “Alright, Lara. I’m going. See you.” She shoved past me to the front door and shut it hard behind her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Guilt tied my stomach into knots and I felt the urge to chase after her. Turning around, I saw Rico and Liam smiling at me with wide eyes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “That was badass, little sister!” Rico howled with laughter, a sound that chased away the guilt and brought butterflies. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Yeah,” Liam snorted his agreement. “You’re grown, Lara.” He sipped his drink and stared at me over the lip of the Solo cup. “So drink.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, I lifted the cup to my face. The clean hospital smell was so sickening. Maybe Liv was right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “You got it, Lar!” Rico cheered. “You got it!” The taste was worse than the smell. What was once a hospital cleaner was now some kind of rat poison and I vaguely wondered if maybe Liam had<\/em> poured me poison instead of vodka. I gagged against the taste but delighted in the warmth that spread through my body, and I smiled. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Oh shit, she likes it!” Rico punched Liam’s arm enthusiastically. “Pour her another drink, man!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n If Rico said drink, then I would. His laughter was the antidote to the poison. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The room was spinning as I crawled my way to an empty chair, laughing. I’m like a snail. That’s a funny word, snail. Snail. <\/em>I pulled myself up onto the chair, enjoying the way the coolness of the leather felt against my warm and fuzzy skin. I closed my eyes, still laughing. This was the greatest night of my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam sat down on the chair next to me, his eyes glassy with vodka. “How you feeling?” His words slurred together like one big word. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “I feel great!” I leaned into him, giggling softly. “I’m so warm.” Sweat pricked at my hairline and I pulled away from Liam to slump back in my chair, eyes shut to stop the room from spinning. Uh-oh. Why was it spinning so much?<\/em> I squeezed my eyes as tight as I could in a feeble attempt to steady everything. My stomach twisted, and a bitter acidic taste rose in my mouth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “You don’t look so great,” Liam said with a tone of sharp disapproval. “Alli is going to kill me if you throw up everywhere.” He put a firm hand on my shoulder, a welcome feeling that grounded me for a moment. “Let’s get you to the bathroom, I think I gave you too much. I’m really sorry.” His eyes were round, and I felt a bubble of shock to see the normally abrasive Liam showing concern for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I wanted to comfort him, but was afraid that if I opened my mouth to respond, the entire party would see that I couldn’t handle alcohol. Rico would see. I instead gave a numb nod to show my understanding. I allowed him to take my hands and pull me up from the chair and lead me slowly up the stairs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “You’re gonna be okay, Lar.” Liam sat me in front of the toilet and the door shut with a soft click. “Just a bit too much. It happens to all of us. A few weeks ago, Rico drank his own piss. Seriously.” He snorted at the memory and shook his head with a grin. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The cool bathroom tile soothed my skin from the alcoholic fever, and I turned to lean against the wall, looking at Liam. He really was handsome, a modern-day Greek god. His perfect features came nowhere near Rico, though. “Rico…” I mumbled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Someone has a crush, huh?” Liam teased, moving to sit on the floor next to me. He put a hand around me and pulled me into him. “Rico likes you too, you know. He thinks you’re cute.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Really?” I pulled away from Liam’s chest quickly so I could look him in the eyes. Any kind of nausea I had felt insignificant. Who cares if I felt sick? Rico thought I was cute. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam put his hands up in mock defense and chuckled, his blue eyes gleaming. “Really.” He stopped smiling and cocked his head to look at me, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “I can see why, though. I mean really, you are <\/em>Alli’s sister.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n My ears burned at the intimate gesture. “Thanks,” I mumbled and looked away to my feet, feeling awkward. Something about the way he stared at me made me feel self-conscious and shy, like I had to hide myself from him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Hey.” Liam put a hand on my thigh and moved his thumb in light circles. “You’re beautiful, Lara.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I shivered at the touch. This didn’t feel right anymore, at least not with Liam. “Where’s my sister?” My voice cracked a bit, giving away the creeping uneasiness I had started to feel in my chest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He didn’t respond, just continued to rub my thigh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Liam? Where’s Alli?” I pulled my leg away from him and crossed my arms over my chest. Something really wasn’t right. I needed to get to my sister; I needed to get back to Liv. I needed my bed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Come on.” He stood and opened the door before turning to me. “She’s up here, I’ll take you to her. I need another drink anyway.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n I scrambled to my feet with as much grace as I could drunkenly manage and staggered to the door. I felt disconnected from my body, outside of myself. I panicked and gripped onto Liam’s shirt so I wouldn’t fall forward. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He took care to walk slowly to a bedroom down the hall, leading me through the darkness. I had no choice but to follow blindly, trusting he was being honest about where Alli was. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The room was empty. My stomach dropped into my feet and panic gripped my senses with ice. “Liam, she isn’t in here.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n The door locked behind me, and I began to cry. I had to get out. I had to leave this room. I moved to take a step to the door, my legs jelly. I crumpled to the floor in a heap and sobbed into the carpet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam leaned down next to me, his breath hot in my ear. The sickly hospital cleaner was powerful and the nausea returned. “Lara, I said you were beautiful. Don’t you think I’m hot?” He rubbed the small of my back slowly and I recoiled at his touch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Don’t…” I didn’t care if I was crying off my mascara that had taken so long. All I cared about was getting out. “Liam, don’t.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam didn’t stop and instead put his muscled arms around my waist, heaving me into the air before throwing me onto the bed. “Shut the fuck up, Lara.” He covered my mouth with one hand, my screams turning muffled, and moved his other to the buttons of my jeans. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I laid on the bed, faintly aware that I was bleeding. Aching and bleeding. I felt frozen, staring up at the ceiling naked as Liam pulled his shirt over his head. The toilet paper that had been tucked safely inside my bra was strewn across the floor in shreds. I didn’t cry anymore; I had no tears left. I just laid there, focusing on the ceiling. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Way better than Alli,” Liam murmured, and sat at the foot of the bed. He traced his finger over the small curves of my chest as he spoke and leaned in to kiss my forehead. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I allowed him to dress me, feeling too weak to do it myself. My clothes didn’t seem to fit me anymore, like I had someone else’s things on. My skin didn’t seem to fit either, as if I were trying to break out of myself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He tucked a piece of hair behind my head, just as he had done in the bathroom. He smiled at me, his eyes gentle. Such a stark difference from the wild hunger that had possessed his stare minutes ago. Saying nothing, he stood and walked out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I began to shake, my shoulders heaving with each sob I choked out. My head grew light while my chest began to tighten, and I realized I was having a panic attack. Liv would know what to do, she always did. I never should have tried to show off in the kitchen. My knees shuddered as I attempted to stand, to make my way downstairs and find Alli. To leave this party and never, ever come back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Each step brought a fresh wave of pain and I winced against it. I was aware of the blood that was beginning to soak through the front of my jeans, but I continued my way downstairs, walking carefully so I would not fall down the stairs. Somehow, my legs were able to support me and I found myself standing in the living room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Though the room was full of people, the party clearly not yet dying down, I couldn’t hear the music or laughter. My ears were ringing and my vision was blurred. I frantically began my search for my older sister, desperate to spot her curled brunette hair in the sea of drunk seniors. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She was in the kitchen, a Solo cup in hand. She was laughing with Rico, her face a light shade of pink. As I staggered towards my sister, my safety, she gave me a sharp look of disapproval. “Lara, leave me alone. We’ll leave when we leave.” She rolled her eyes before turning back to him, her mouth curved in a wicked smile, ready to make me the butt of her joke. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Rico didn’t laugh. He didn’t even turn to look at Alli. His gaze was locked steadily on me, his face beginning to pale. “Alli…” He began, and pointed at me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I was numbly aware that I was crying. I didn’t care if I was crying in front of Rico. I just wanted to go home. I felt sick just being in the same room where I had been given the horrible poison, sick not knowing where Liam was. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Oh my God.” Alli rushed to me, wrapping me in a tight hug. “Lara, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” She pulled away, keeping her hands on my shoulders to steady me and take me in, her eyes slowly drifting down to my jeans. “Why are you bleeding?” <\/p>\n\n\n\n I grabbed her in a hug again, squeezing as tight as I could. If I could hug her hard enough, maybe I could melt into her. Maybe I could disappear. Sobs racked my body, the party growing quiet as I wailed into my sister’s shoulder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Alli shushed me, murmuring comfort into my hair. She smelled like vodka and my stomach flipped at the scent and the nightmarish flashbacks that came with it. She stopped so suddenly that I did too, and looked up at her, confused. I didn’t want her to stop hugging me ever again, I didn’t ever want to leave her arms. She was casting an icy stare, not at me, but across the room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn’t have to turn to know who she was looking at. My heart pounded, filling the numb silence around me. Despite my best wishes, my head betrayed me and I looked over my shoulder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Liam stood, staring back at Alli with fire meeting her ice. The shadow of a smirk danced across his face, his arms crossed over his chest, biceps bulging against his tight shirt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Jesus,” Alli muttered. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n I took her hand and followed her out of the house, welcoming the feeling of being a child. Safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“We just got here.” Liv was on high alert, seemingly taking down a description of every person at the party, if that were even possible. She bit her lip and kept her hand firmly locked onto my forearm. “Where did your sister go?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rico was all the convincing I needed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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